My mom used to tell me “you’re too independent” as if that was a bad thing. I didn’t understand as a child why my independence would disturb someone else. She used to tell me that I’m too nice and that one day I’ll get tired of it. AND I DID! A lot of our behaviors are learned. We can learn how to do things, and learn how not to. I learned a lot through observation, and my mom was not afraid to let us know the truth. What fucked me up though, is how other people can be so mean, nice, but only when they need something. I’ve learned at a very young age to trust people as they are, and to not fall for their tricks. What fucked me up more, is believing people when they change all of a sudden. Most of us want to see the best in others. We don’t see their flaws, because they’re perfect and what perfect person has flaws?(jk). They show us what they want you to see, much like social media these days.

You show your rawness, and they downplay you. Who gets hurt, the real or the faux?

Why is it the real get most of the damage?

I remember as a child I didn’t care about accepting people or not, I just let them be. As I began to mature, I’d questioned everyone’s motives because I found it difficult to trust. Still do. I guess it’s why I don’t mind being “too independent”. When you rely on others, it gives them a chance to disappoint you. I’ve been disappointed by those closest to me, family, friends, and what have you. I couldn’t find a reason to continue this. I was hurt, damaged by those who couldn’t keep their word. Damaged by their words of destructiveness instead of constructive criticism. I had to learn to reparent myself. Give myself boundaries, because I set so many with them. I had to heal.

We like to think our parents, or elders are perfect, but they have their own trauma that needs to be addressed. Some don’t believe they’re affected, or may not want to hear it. There are some who come to terms, and may or may not seek the help, but there are some who need more help than what any of use can do for them. I had to learn to stop seeking approval, and that I am good enough even if it is not for them. My mother always complained, and nothing I did was good enough. Of course she’s acknowledged my many accolades from school and different projects, but she never invested in me as much as I did for myself. She was quick to make suggestions, and even when they were met it STILL wasn’t good enough. I always felt like there’s always something. Nothing I did satisfied her. I took it personally as a child, and resented her as I grew up.

It became exhausting trying to make myself into something she wanted in a daughter, but this was all stemming from her own personal beliefs about herself. I refused to be this way and began rebelling against her. Not with disrespect, but with space and with solitude. I began speaking up for myself, and began acting like a “know-it-all”. Although it felt like I did know most of the answers, it wasn’t for her or anyone to know, NO ONE likes a “know-it-all”. My innerchild needed some healing, and still does. You don’t heal for it to go away, you heal so that you acknowledge the issue and present it with a solution. (SOUL-ution). I had to reunite with my younger self. Reconnect my old soul with lil momo.

It has been a process, and you begin to see the child in others. We all have our scars, but how do we wear them? My innerchild needed healing, because of how my relationships were with others, including myself. Reparenting myself has allowed me to trust again, and not become upset if someone does let me down. I no longer hold those expectations, because I know I can count on me. My innerchild has allowed me to take a break from being an adult and to have fun creating. I’ve always enjoyed the arts, and find it very healing on its own. I enjoy the outdoors, the beach, listening to music, coloring, and coming up with different ideas. I’ve learned that my creativity is endless, and my heart is vulnerable. My sensitivity used to get to me, and now I embrace it with open arms. I can’t help but to care and love people deeply, even if it’s from afar. I let them and the situation be what it is. No expectations, just acceptance.

My innerchild is playful, has a sense of humor, forgiving but doesn’t trust easily. She’s had to grow up fast, and use her street smarts to decipher the kind of people around her, and book smarts to let people know she’s not dumb. Again a lot of validation had to be made when I was younger, but not anymore. I’ve learned to find myself again while healing my innerchild and amongst other things. I’m finding it very rewarding learning about myself again, and learning that we all have things to work through.

Are you in the process of healing your innerchild? How is it shaping you?