I remember everyone getting together, and it was beautiful seeing the family as one.

But the family gathering was not fun.

I had a strong feeling that I should’ve stayed, but then I would’ve been the oddball out.

Story of my life. But now I know…

I remember having to walk on eggshells.

And not being my true self because of the judgement in their eyes.

It be your own family who will diss you in front of their people.

They like to be viewed as a certain type so they will put the heat on you.

You’re the oddball although they’re the monster who’s destroyed a lot of souls.

I remember what you said, and instead of me correcting you in front of your people, I just remained quiet allowing you and your people believe all of the lies.

You made up so many different scenarios in your head I became exhausted watching you talk to your fake friends.

A pain in my neck as my neck really began feeling pain.

My stomach from the anxiety began rumbling. It wasn’t the food from the event, because I barely touched anything, but it was the atmosphere that was making me feel uneasy.

Experiencing anxiety in a place you can’t escape.

Internally I began to space out, a defense mechanism I do from time to time.

I was allowed to escape this reality for a short while.

You were too busy telling stories trying to impress the mass with more bullshit.

I was too busy recognizing the different sensations throughout my body, thinking to myself when will this stop.

I remember our mother being a mess, drinking too much and not knowing how to handle herself.

It was a mess.

I was embarrassed for her and our family as this was not the best impression.

Instead I learned a valuable lesson.

Don’t go!

Memories of that holiday always pop up, but it’s when it’s during the holiday season where my body begins to act up.

The pain from the stress and anxiety builds up.

My mind is okay but my body is not!

It feels like my body knows what my mind has adjusted to. But now it is time to cater to my body.

Stretch, massage, maybe just rest. I have to remind myself that I’m safe, that I’m no longer around the madness from those I still love.

I can’t help but to think how it would be if things were different.

My body remembers although my mind has accepted it.

Acceptance takes away the expectations but at least you become more aware.

It just hurts when you want to make things right, but most people can’t function without dysfunction.

You already know how it goes down, because they’ll remember things differently than you and act as if you overreacted.

You get tired of their web of lies.

Your body becomes fatigued from the highs and lows.

Your mind exhausted from all of the stories told.

My body is not okay. Backaches from grieving love one’s who are still alive. Backaches from past fears. Chest pain from experiencing emotional neglect and stabbed by words of hatred. Hips tight for holding onto the tension.

But this is reminiscing…

Although not as enjoyable as it should be.

Some people cannot function without dysfunction.

Their minds and bodies crave the attention and reaction of others.

It makes them feel good when the heat is off of them.

It makes them feel superior while the toxic environment makes us inferior.

It’s time to check in, how is your body adapting?

How is your mind around this time of year?

– Moj0