I will no longer make an effort of something when I know it’s moving nothing.

I’ve tried & kept trying, and was discarded like a piece of trash. And people say that’s family….

I’ve known about my dysfunctional family from an early age. It allowed me to become sensitively aware and energetically prepared.

I’ve known from the beginning how sick some people could be. Involving others having to deal with their family issues and/ or history. When does the cycle stop? Repeating the same behaviors that damaged you?

Or built you?

Refusing to look at the bigger picture, because you want to be right.

Refusing to look at your mistakes, because you want to be right.

It’s disappointing when you want to be something so badly that you’re not.

Disappointment within yourself spreads to the disappointment in others. We hold those high expectations out of pride, greed, and power, but it holds nothing to what we value, unless that’s all you value.

Holding onto baggage that wasn’t yours to begin with, dealing with the same shit on an every day basis…..You become what you surround yourself with, creating habits by what you occupy yourself with.

I kept holding my breath, because my heart didn’t want to let go. I kept my mouth closed, because the thoughts of exposing someone made me feel bad. Embarrassed, because it’s family. Embarrassed, because I once looked up to them.

I’ve experienced healthier relationships outside my family. Friends ask why I prefer to be alone. I ask have you ever been hurt before? By family? How can you trust anyone after that?

Learning how to open myself back up is a process like anything else. I’m sensitive, not overly emotional. I pick up on things. No longer stubborn to the idea of how I want things to be. I now accept things for what they are and decide immediately.

Making the decisions to not go back & forth in a situation has allowed me to not overthink. No longer having to walk on eggshells, and feeling nervous and uneasy. It’s exhausting.

It still hurts because I wanted things to be different.

My eyes are wide open, my brain is expanded, my heart aches, but I feel better. I can’t allow the mistakes to control me. I can only be me and control my intentions.

Mantra: I am not a go to, unless you really need help. I am not your savior, unless you’re willing to help yourself. I am not your slave, doing whatever you want me to do, and acting the way you want me to. I am not your puppet.

I was fooled thinking blood is thicker than water. But the water is cleaner. The blood may be the same, but it doesn’t mean it’s deeper.

It could be shallow like a kiddie pool of water.

~moj0